The Hummus Epidemic

I miss Mexican food. I once found a Mexican resturant in Tel aviv but sadly they put sprouts and feta cheese in their enchilladas. Fuck that.

I miss Asian food. I went to a Chinese resturant the other day. I even checked to make sure there was a real Asian in the kitchen. They served me Pad Thai and had Sushi on the Menu. Fuck that.

Although I have never eaten at McDonald's in the States or Israel it amazes me how Israelis pay 35-40NIS for a McD's Hamburger ( roughly $10 american) when it is known as a lower income food in America. How has it become a delicacy here when you can get a better burger for half the price somewhere else. Fuck That.

I'm turning into a giant chickpea. I don't understand how all of these hummus places are able to stay in business. They are right next to each other, it's like Starbucks. Falafel shop, shwarema shop, falafel and shwarema shop. How does this work?Each place boasts that they have the best hummus although it all essentially tastes the same. It is all made from a chickpea ( or at least I hope). I don't understand how the expensive hummus place next to the cheaper one stays in business. How are Israelis not obese munchkins with all the fried chickpeas, bread, and french fries they must be eating to support all of these businesses.

Army tour in West Bank

During my time at my base I have been privy to two tours of the West Bank. The first being the Israeli areas, and the second, a tour of several Arab villages.

I was taken on the first tour by my officer who, realizing my boredom, decided to get me out of the base. We drove around a great portion of the area while I looked at a map to spot the different settlements and arab villages we were passing. The West Bank really is beautiful, truly looks like the land our forefathers came to.

The second was a scouting trip to inspect the area where a road was planning to be built by an international organization for the Palestinians. We were accompanied by an archeologist, environmental expert, and 2 army hummers. I, having studied about Israel and the Palestinians was very excited to go to my first Arab village in the West Bank. Granted, I was not allowed to leave the car... I was however required to bring my bullet proof vest and helmet. As I was getting my bullet proof vest from under my bed I spotted the heels I brought from my kibbutz to wear for New Year's. It struck me as odd how many 'shoes' I am wearing these days, how many personas a person can have at once. I am still getting used to my new life as a soldier; wearing the uniform and army boots, riding in a bullet proof bus to base, and dealing with the language. But at this point I am glad I had to courage to follow my dreams and make the crazy choice to join the IDF.

P.s. I saw grass in both the Jewish and Palestinian areas, in case anyone was wondering.

My Job and Stupid Rules

3 weeks after finishing basic training I was put into a position. After switching out of the Air Force since they didn't have any suitable jobs for me I went for several interviews and shrink evaluations before being put into a position in the West Bank next to Ramallah. I am in מתפ"ש and which is a political unit based in the West Bank. I am in a Palestinian affairs division dealing with international organizations such as the Red Cross and the United Nations. It's a very interesting job and I figure worst case scenario since I have a political science degree this position is sort of like an unpaid behind the scenes internship....with housing expenses paid... and hella stupid rules.

Speaking of hella stupid rules it never ceases to amaze me the illogical way the army seems to function. I have a bit of a language barrier so I often don't understand what is going on, but even when I do understand the words I often feel that I have misheard as what is being said seems just too retarded to be true.

Example #1: Everybody used to have a board under their two mattresses so their backs wouldn't be poked by the springs on the beds, however now some officer dude has decreed that we are only allowed one thin mattress and no board. In order to sleep comfortably at night we have to go to the doctor, complain of back problems and get a mattress permit. One can also get a permit to have a beard, wear comfortable shoes, not run, or carry heavy things. People without any problems whatsoever can get random permits for things ... and I fully I plan on doing for the bed. Why bother taking away things in the first place if anybody can get permission?Why torture your poor little soldiers Mr. Officer?

Example #2: They randomly took away the panini toast makers... I really didn't get an explanation on this one.... perhaps they were causing too many smiles.

Example #3: My friend is in basic training for boys which is serious basic training compared to the girls which a friend compared to summer camp. He had woken up at the ass crack of dawn and was trying to enjoy the one luxury in the morning, hot tea. However the pitcher for the tea was a 'meat dish' and the meal was dairy so the rabbi forced him to pour the tea into the trash. Way to promote Judaism in a positive way.

Basic Training

Basic Training ( written in basic training)

Where to begin.

I am in the lowest level of basic training, which still feels like a annoying nightmare minus the running.Granted, in reality it is not that hard in itself but I can't quite take everything seriously as I am older then the commanders and thus have a hard time putting up with all the 'discipline'. I have heard that the easier the basic training is the meaner they have to be to try and break us in as quickly as they can... i.e. make the israeli girls realize that they no longer rule the world.

But really why should one get a lecture about friendship when people who try and help each other and end up being 10 seconds late get severely punished. I know at the end of this they will tell us that we did well and we're ready for our future in the army. There will be an end ceremony where they will stick a pin on us like we've done something important. But really is being told to wash the showers for thirty girls in 3 minutes and 30 seconds and one mop really something to brag about.

Done!

Basic training ended up being a positive experience.... that I would never want to repeat again. Ever. Before I began I was frightened of Israeli girls as I had heard ( and seen) them being catty, bitchy, and unfriendly to strangers. However, this stereotype didn't prove to true with most of the girls and I ended up meeting some really kind wonderful people who were for some reason fascinated by me the 'foreigner'. We learned about the history of Israel, first aid, the army system, and also had shooting practice. We had to carry around an M-16 the whole time which I ended up growing rather attached to as we had to take it everywhere,even the showers. At the end of all this we had a ceremony where we swore allegiance to the country and were given a Tanach. To my surprise I won an award for best soldier and role model of my pluga ( group of 150 girls). I think it's because I looked like I was concentrating all the time... but really I was trying to figure out what the hell they were saying.

This Country Smells like Pee

This blog will be an ongoing list of things I find retarded in this country. While my few months as an Israeli have been exciting and eye opening in many positive ways I have also discovered a more ridiculous, head-banging on the wall, side of Israel.

1. This Country Smells Like Pee.

While not everyplace you go has the smell of urine it is without a doubt that at some point in an outing you will be overcome my the odor of human waste. Why, you may ask? Either people are too lazy to find a bathroom or too cheap to pay the shekel it sometimes takes to get in. That or the pee is really coming from the millions of cats roaming around this country.

2. The Wedding Dresses

I have yet to find a wedding dress that isn't completely slutty and tacky or a modest/orthodox catastrophe. It is beyond me why people proudly display these kinds of dresses in the store windows.

3. The Israeli Army Bureaucracy

OMG, how have we ever won a war. SRSLY. It's like hormonal chickens running around with their heads cut off. The only answer is that our enemies are even more disorganized.

4. If You Don't Know, Don't Answer!

Something that has been really difficult for me to get used to is the fact that when you ask a question it will get answered in a matter of fact way, even if the person has no idea what the hell the correct answer is.

New Immigrant: When am I getting my folder of options for jobs in the army?

Soldier on Phone: You're not getting one you will just show up and go to basic training

She got her folder that night.

Now a real Israelian!

While it does seems more reasonable to have posted when I actually moved to Israel the task of actually sitting down and typing on something other than facebook seemed too daunting. Regardless in the end I gave in as I like the title of this blog too much to let it to go to waste!

Brief summary of the past 4 months:

I ended up choosing to join the army with Garin Tzabar and move to Israel. My Aliyah date was July 7th where I and the other 200-something new immigrants was greeted by 800 screaming zionists and Israeli diplomats. I lived in Jerusalem for the first month with my boyfriend and did ulpan. Then on August 5th I moved to my new home with my Garin at Kibbutz Shamir, Kiryat Shmona ( basically lebanon/syria). I have just completed the 3 month absorption process and am joining the army on Sunday. oy oy oy. I am drafting into the air force.... what position, nobody knows... great! fml. I am optimistic and ready to suck up during basic training so they will give me a good job.

1st Garin Tzabar Seminar/Fliying to Israel

"I'm joining the IDF"

Upon saying this to people I usually get a blank stare... people don't exactly know what to make of this. I find that Americans are too nice to actually say what their thinking but this information is so out there that they usually just become silent while they think of some sort of polite response. Most of the people here are very liberal and the idea of joining an army, much less the IDF, is about the most militant evil thing somebody can do. I enjoy this moment of confusion. After a few seconds I save them from racking their brains too hard by assuring them that I want to make peace and go into a foreign liaison job.... not "carry an uzzie" as one person half heartedly muttered.

For the army I want to go through a program called Garin Tzabar which is basically a program that helps you through all the bureaucratic bullshit that is involved when moving to another country. They also help you get the job you want in the army. With this program there are 5 meetings with your "garin" group in America which are intended to give you information about the army, strengthen your Hebrew, ad help you bond with the people you are going to be living with. In the summer we all move to a Kibbutz in the north, do an ulpan, and get drafted in Nov.

Im very committed to this idea but we'll see what happens.

On the last day of the seminar I flew to Israel. While I hate flying, the actual airplane time wasn't that bad. I was just in finals so I'm basically able to pass out anywhere at this point. I also took an Ambien. That was helpful. The horrible part was the 7 hour wait in the Paris airport. WTF do you do in an airport for 7 hours. FINALLY, FINALLY I arrived in Israel. When I was exiting the plane there were two yeshiva bochers standing there passing out Sufganiot to people * loves this*I get past the endless line to check our passports only to find that they have lost all of my luggage, FML. I'm optomistic they will come today. They gave me a huge toilettries bag which seem more like a "we're sorry your bags are going to be lost for a week" present, but nevertheles I am in jerusalem so my mood can't be brought down.